It’s quite disheartening that getting married is fraught with lots of question marks these days, largely due to traditional requirements most especially on the issue of Bride Price.
No doubt, our traditional norms are interesting and the ceremonies around them quite intriguing but the financial burden it imposes on the bride’s life is oftentimes very devastating. It is therefore clear even to casual observers that if nothing is done about this state of affairs, the marriage ceremony, as we know it, will be left only for the wealthy and those who can afford it. From what I’ve seen so far, the wealthy aren’t coming anywhere close to bridge the gap between them and the downtrodden. The poor in the society are completely left to their fate, or at best recognised passively and reluctantly. This, to my mind, is also one good reason why poverty is rocking the wobbly foundation of our nation. When the wealthy marry only the wealthy and the poor cannot meet the same requirements that were met by the wealthy, marriage will only remain a contract bid designed for only those who can afford the financial requirements. We all should meet at a point of convergence; the rich and the poor.
Some traditions extort vengefully everything from the man. This, inevitably generates frictions, culminating in the man’s regard for his in-laws diminishing considerably. In some cases, it affects the man’s love for his wife and the consequent unprovoked irritation ultimately sparks off quarrels. A young groom who has been fleeced by his in-lawas flares up whenever the new bride makes monetary demands on him. The pain of all he spent inflames his heart anytime his wife asks for something. Marriage becomes an arduous journey. Young men nowadays are scared to go into marriage because of so many traditional requirements. They unfortunately find it more attractive to settle for the new derogatory trend- baby mama! Such derogatory term is not only demeaning to womanhood, but abuses and diminishes the sacrosanctity of womankind as a precious creature of God. It also stands on its head one of God’s primary injunctions and commands man: “For this reason, a man will leave his father’s house and be united with his wife and the two shall become one”. The emphasis here is “with his wife”, not his “baby mama”. With the advent of baby mamas, this very command has been eroded.
It is not a nouvel observation that this so-called modern era is corroding morals and infusing unsavory developments into man’s mind, by means of what I’ll still call negative societal evolution. I am in no doubt that this negative trend, despite how compelling and expedient, cannot viciate God’s command on marriage. So in this vain, I’m proposing “A Marriage of Mutual Understanding as a viable option. The prospective groom will not have to pay everything at once, but as the years go by, and as God blesses, all marriage rites would be taken care of. Let’s be proactive and considerate.
In 1986, a certain man came to my village to marry a young girl. The bride price he was asked to pay was N500.00 and it was much as at that time. I remember vividly that my father bought a 504 Peugeot saloon car for N6000,00. The said man agreed to the bride price because he loved the young girl so much. But he did something spectacular; he went and discussed with his people just beside the bride’s house. Minutes later, his father presented 50 kobo to his in-laws and pleaded that he was willing to pay, but that due to circumstances beyond his control, he was having some constraints and requested to be given time to pay up and complete other marriage rites.
The kinsmen to the bride to be excused themselves and conferred together. One could clearly read the movements of their lips and the expression on their faces to understand what they were saying: “Ogbenye onu ntu. Aguru ga agugburu anyi nwa”. Loosely translated, “Wretched man, hunger will most likely kill our daughter”. After conferring among themselves, they walked back into the circle and one of the elders representing them spoke up: “We have heard what you said, but please don’t allow hunger to kill our daughter.”
The irony of it all was that the groom in question was from a very wealthy home but pretended not to have enough to complete the marriage rites and the bride price.
A couple of years passed. The groom visited with another 50 kobo and a few tubers of yam, some hot drinks and kola nuts. One interesting thing of note in his second coming was the entourage and the ceremony that accompanied the 50 kobo was costlier than the 50 kobo.
The wife’s village people began enjoying the ceremony more than the completion of the rites and bride price. Every couple of years, he would reenact the ceremony in his in-laws compound. They’ll always eat, drink, dance and make merry.
He paid the last 50 Kobo on the eve of their silver jubilee. The ceremony that surrounded the 50 kobo was also used to invite his wife’s people to their silver jubilee.
I am all for this style of marriage. This is what I call “Mutual Understanding”. Nobody is killing anyone, listen to your in-laws, and their village lists for the traditional marriage rites and bride price, and tell them what you can afford at the moment. No one is selling his female child. A Mutual Understanding should be reached.
This is not an abuse of tradition, this is not a denigration of culture, this is just a way to further uplift, upgrade and secure our rich traditions and cultures in the most respectful way so that everyone, rich and poor will partake in it.
We should also put a stop to some obsolete traditions. My cousin’s father in-law died and the in-laws demanded he should provide a cow for the burial as their custom prescribed. My cousin who has been struggling with the harsh economic climate, sat in bewilderment as they handed him their demand with equanimity. Seething with controlled angst, he shot freezing glares at the grasping and conniving elders “I greet you, my in-laws” He spurted. “When my father died, I did not and couldn’t kill a cow for him. In all the years I lived with my parents, we never killed a cow. Since I married my wife, your daughter, we’ve not even killed a goat, and I don’t think that even in this house, any one, even my late father in-law ever killed a cow to eat when he was alive. So, how do you people think I can afford a cow of over a hundred thousand? My in-laws, with all due respect, I can’t buy a cow. Let’s manage what we can afford and bury him. The most important thing is for us to pray for him to rest in peace. This is all I can say, I greet you, my in-laws”. There were unpleasant murmurs but he paid no heed to them.
He did not provide the cow and nothing happened. Some of these outdated traditions should be done away with.
Marriage of Mutual Understanding will help both families in the long run to have a better relationship. It’ll attract husbands for our young girls. It’ll, to some reasonable extent, cut down on brutalities in marriages, and it’ll free the minds of our young men and bring them more into marriage than the so called baby mama trend.